mom2binnyc

Well, we are starting to experience the "emotional rollercoaster" that other, more experienced folks trying AI have warned us about as even at 6:30 this morning, C and I were bickering. And we never fight. This has been hard.

The RE visit was good; the doctor and nurse were very reassuring; they said that the chemical pregnancy is really a good sign -- it shows that I can get pregnant and that my body is not incompatible with STAN. They tested to make sure I don't have any more HCG (the pregnancy hormone) in my body and since I don't, I can start taking clomid again starting tonight.

We are totally going to be doing the next round of IUIs on the weekend we are supposed to be in Mass. for a wedding. Which sucks, because we were so looking forward to a nice weekend away, staying at a B&B out in the country . . . instead, we'll probably do the IUI and then drive up for the wedding the same day. Hopefully the IUIs will at least fall on days where we could stay at least a night or two in Mass (as opposed to having to drive there and back all in the same day).

I have a new favorite beverage: Dr. Brown's Diet Cherry Soda. It's delicious and caffeine free unlike Cherry Coke. Weirdness: C was buying some for me at the store and she ran into someone she knows through work (but not well -- this person certainly doesn't know we are trying to start a family!) who remarked "Oh yeah, you're a fan of Dr. Brown's? It's great, it's a total pregnancy thing" (!!?!!??!!).

Must be a good sign. I personally think that having our next round of IUIs be on the most inconvenient days ever must also be a good sign. Anyway, I am feeling much better about the whole thing.

After a nice weekend of good friends taking good care of us, it has been a no go on the pregnancy this time. Period.

Damn. We were close. What happened is called a chemical pregnancy, which is a very early miscarriage. We haven't been calling it a miscarriage (even though it was) because that seems too painful. There was potential for a baby, but that potential didn't go anywhere.

Back the the RE tomorrow. They called asking where we were today. We've decided to collapse the pregnancy test (gonna be a negative) and the day 2 bloodwork into the same visit. Hopefully we will get the go ahead to try again this month.

The sucky thing about that is the timing...ovulation (and insemination, which has to occur in the REs office) will happen during the exact weekend we are going to MA for a friends wedding. I think we may have to inseminate, drive to MA for wedding, celebrate the nuptials, then drive back down to inseminate again the next morning. Puts a little cramp in our relaxing weekend plan, but we'll survive. Hopefully the outcome will be better this time around.

We're doing OK. Both our nerves are a little shot and we've both been a little testy. I feel a little lonely with all of this. The hardest part was that I was so excited to call our parents and enlist their support when we thought we were pregnant...but now I don't want to call, even though the support would be nice.

Keep thinking about us and sending positive energy...

I'm tired.

Sunday morning. Still no period. I know something is going on in my body. I go from feeling crampy, to nauseous, to just having a vaguely weird "feeling" of some sort in my lower abdomen.

Yesterday, a couple of friends helped keep C and I occupied so we weren't just sitting at home, depressed. It was actually a wonderful day; we slept in, then two friends came over and we bowled one game in Harlem and then headed downtown to the festival in Little Italy where we walked around and ate. Then we headed back to our apartment and played board games, watched a movie, and baked cookies. It was nice.

Today, we'll try to keep busy as well. Then tomorrow AM, another blood test. Hopefully, the numbers will be much higher, and we can count a little more on a normal pregnancy.

If the numbers are still low, it is probably going to be a chemical pregnancy, in which case I will frankly hope that it ends as quickly as possible so that we can try again.

A chemical pregnancy is :

"A chemical pregnancy refers to pregnancy loss very early on. In a chemical pregnancy, it is thought that an egg is fertilized but fails to implant. As a result, your body does not begin to produce the obvious signs of pregnancy. Because a chemical pregnancy occurs so early in a pregnancy, most women never even realize they are pregnant. When they receive their period, they just assume they were a few days late.
Women who have been pregnant before, though, may notice that they "feel pregnant" prior to starting their period. Additionally, performing a pregnancy test, either at home or at your doctor’s office, will likely produce an initial positive result. However, this will quickly become a negative as your period approaches and you miscarry.
Just how common a chemical pregnancy is is difficult to say. Because they occur so early on, causing most women to not even be aware that they are pregnant, and don’t produce the same miscarriage symptoms as one would normally experience, a great number of chemical pregnancies go undetected. However, it is estimated that as much as 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage before a woman is aware that she was pregnant. "

We went in for the test. We expected answer A (pregnant) or B (not pregnant), but instead we got option C (none of the above.) Back to the doctor on Monday for another test.

The numbers were low. They could improve and indicate we are moving forward with a healthy pregnancy...or they could stay low and indicate an early miscarriage (aka, chemical pregnancy). YUCK. Turns out you CAN be a little bit pregnant.

Good friends are helping to keep us occupied while we wait. We're going bowling tomorrow and trying to keep busy. We should probably keep busy by cleaning our apartment, but that does not seem to be the top priority for either of us now.

We'll be OK either way. Keep your fingers crossed. And don't judge us for our messy apartment.
:)

On Saturday, C and I got too anxious and couldn't wait any longer -- we went to Duane Reade and bought a pregnancy test. It was negative :(

I was pretty disappointed, but when we read the directions more carefully, and did more google research, we found out that we tested WAY too early. Like, there's no way any test could have discovered a pregnancy hormone this early. But still, I spent the rest of the weekend feeling a bit down.

Then all day today I felt nauseous, but in a weird way. I've never felt this way before. My boobs are sore too. Now I'm convinced I'm pregnant. God, these two weeks have been so slow!!! Thursday needs to come NOW! Regardless of the results, I just want to know!

If I'm NOT pregnant, then I know the second cycle will be much less anxiety-filled because we'll be the experts on everything -- our RE's office, all the tests, the shot, etc.

Ruby is staring at me and it's making me uneasy. She needs to go to the beauty parlor. Actually, I need to go to the beauty parlor too.

yeah, I got up at 4:30 am to go open at Sbux at 5:15. . . I just now got home at 1:30 pm so that was a long day for a "day off." It was crazy busy the whole time.

Yesterday when I got back from staten island, I decided to walk up from the ferry and meet C at court where she's been having jury duty. I thought I'd have at least an hour or 2 to kill but lo and behold they got out early!!! So we met and did some shopping, then had lunch at our favorite restaurant in Chinatown. It was pouring rain so it was not as pleasant as it could have been, but it was still nice. we also went to "Game night" at our church for a while, which was nice also.

there is a street fair in our neighborhood today so after I change, we're going to take Ruby out for a walk around the fair (she loves to go and find food that people have dropped).

Still haven't done a pregnancy test. I kind of don't want to. I kind of think the answer will be "no" for this month . . .

went to baby shower tonight, it was great to see our friends and it was quite a party! Our friends put a little pressure on us to do a home pregnancy test to see if we're pregnant, but we kind of don't want to. Last night I started crying because I was suddenly convinced that I am not pregnant after all, and then I was convinced that I was crying due to PMS and that would be the proof that I'm not pregnant. But yesterday was kind of a long, exhausting day and C and I were both a little run down and exhausted by the time we went to bed so we were both kind of broken.

I just keep reminding myself that this was the VERY earliest that we wanted to be pregnant, and if it didn't work this time, it'll work next month. It's okay.

Got a bill for $500 from the RE's office for a year-long semen storage contract (!!!!). The thing is, I think we might have to pay it, because even though we are storing STAN at the sperm bank, we had to have it stored at the RE's office for like 4 days before the IUIs. And so I think we have to go ahead and pay so that we can have STAN (or whatever) sent to the RE's office for the next 12 months without any problems. But if our first IUI did work, I'm going to be pretty annoyed that we have to pay $500 to have our 2 measly vials of STAN stored for the 4 days this past month. Esp. since we're paying a bunch of money to have our other 4 vials stored at the sperm bank for a year.

I'll call to see if the bill was by any chance a mistake ("$500 for 4 days of storage?!?!") but I think we'll have to end up paying it.

moneymoney money woes.

Im teaching French Lit. in Translation and we're studying "Tartuffe" and there's a line about a "wanton hussy" and one of my students asked "What's "wanton" mean?" and another student called out "It's a kind of soup! I always order Won ton soup at Chinese restaurants!"

It was pretty funny :)

YAY, Laura won!!! I'm bummed Kayne lost, but his time was up.

I love the lesbian Orbitz commercial they've been showing on Bravo. Very nice!

ANTM starts next Wednesday . . . I heard there are twin sisters on this season. Should be good!

I love TV.

this is the longest 2 weeks of my life. I can't believe it's only been 1 week since our IUIs.

tomorrow we're going to a baby shower for 2 friends who are about to have their baby girl. We met them through our lesbian baby group, and they got pregnant on their first try. They did the same thing as us, 2 back-to-back IUIs, Clomid and a trigger shot. They're exactly our age too and we have a lot in common, so we totally hope their good luck will rub off on us.

Got some fantastic news from 2 friends who are engaged! They've been together for such a long time and are such a great, stable couple, I am so thrilled and can't wait to attend their wedding.

C is crazy busy with work, grand jury duty, and her new Master's program.

Teaching is fine, my students at staten island love me and keep asking if I'll teach them Frenchf 2 next semester, which is flattering. Sbux is fine, everyone there is so nice and almost everyone is gay which is funny. last time we played "name famous gay people" while we worked. I am starting to learn to make drinks finally. I made a tall caramel macchiato all by myself (2 pumps vanilla, milk then 1 shot espresso topped with caramel sauce, woo hoo!).

oh, PR is on tv!!! gotta go . . .

we had a nice day. Went to our unitarian church in the morning; it was the first "real" sunday of the (school) year so all of the regular members and kids were back as well as the minister. The theme today was "welcome home" which was so nice!!!

Then we went to Chelsea and had brunch with friends at a really nice place. The brunch special included all you can drink mimosas or champagne or bloody marys for only $8!!! I didn't take advantage of it in case I am pregnant (I haven't had an alcoholic drink since early July) but it was very nice.

Then we all went to Dave and Busters in Times Square; I had been to one once before in Michigan. It was actually really fun. I watched this guy do DDR - -he was amazing!!! spinning around and doing it so fast perfectly!!!

Starting this week, I'll be working all my 4 jobs -- my 3 classes I'm teaching plus sbux. So it'll be busy.

I have been constantly hungry for the past few days... does that mean I'm pregnant?!?!?! It's so hard to wait . . .

is our new GIGANTIC TV!

I bought a used TV from my colleague. It is 32". This means that when I watch Katie Couric on the evening news, her head in almost as big as the chair in which I sit. Seriously.

I'd write more, but I have to return to TV gazing.

I must be nervous about something (I wonder what?) because I am SO HUNGRY lately. And not hungry for lunch or dinner but for things like a CARROT CAKE. The whole damn thing. Or French fries and nachos or both..for breakfast. I have to keep this in check or else I am going to gain a ton of weight in this process. So far I have not eaten entire cakes...but only because I've bought slices! I also have a hankering for healthy things, too. I need to encourage that portion of my appetite and ignore the cake portions!

Speaking of healthy, I think that Rebecca and I are going to join a crop share organization. This is an organization where we, as urban New Yorkers, actually invest in a portion of a local upstate farm. In return for our investment we get deliveries of fresh vegetebales for the 24 weeks of crop season. We also have to commit to a couple of hours of work either on the farm or in the distribution site. This year's shares are full, but I have signed us up for next year. I feel really good about this. I've been reading a lot about the importance of eating local fresh prodce, and I'm trying to commit to it. When you think about it, it's a little crazy that as US consumers we can essentially buy any fruit or vegetable at any time of year because the grocery stores will import everything. It's just weird to me. I've been trying to experiment with recipes using fresh vegetables bought from the farmer's market. Today I saw a recipe for watermelon cucumber soup and I might try it...but that may be too weird. We'll see.

I have always enjoyed food (as my vuloptious hips, thighs, etc. prove!) I am hoping that this experience and commitment will allow me to enjoy food in a more "back to the earth" healthy way...and less in an unhealthy "gotta eat a carrotcake" way. I also think it would be a great thing to be part of as parents...to be able to teach our child about food and nature and cooking and vegetables in a socially just way.

it's so funny, I just read MommaC's post and here's the deal: I taught in Queens this afternoon, then on my way home, I felt nauseous. My first thought was "OMG, does this mean I'm pregnant?!?" follwed quickly by "oh wait . . . it's 4pm and I didn't eat lunch, so really I'm just hungry." Then my brain went "Hungry?!?! Does that mean I'm pregnant?!?!"

The IUI WAS rather anti-climactic this morning. It was yet another new doctor I hadn't met yet, he was very nice and extremely nice to C (everyone has been really nice to her, he was just extra courteous maybe) and explained to me exactly what was going on during the IUI, which I really appreciate. It seemed over in about 2 minutes. It just does seem weird that all this money, and planning and tests have been all for this 2-minute painless procedure.

I am determined to try and stay busy (shouldn't be hard with my 4 jobs) and not obsess too much about it for the next 2 weeks.

C starts jury duty next week "Grand Jury" style. I had 2 days jury duty last year, and it wasn't bad. I got 80 bucks and got to eat lunch at our favorite restaurant in Chinatown. Of course, I wasn't actually chosen to be part of a jury. She starts on September 11th, which is rather ominous.

After I got home from teaching today, I took Ruby for a walk in Riverside park. I feel guilty like she's a "neglecterino" here since it seems like C and I have both been so busy lately and we haven't been paying much attention to her or taking her for long walks. She's SUCH a good dog and will be so gentle with any babies that might join our family.

IUIs, that is.

Went in this morning, all was well. The wait was much shorter today. We were told that STAN was a little less stellar this morning. Apparently they are looking for something that is around 5million, and today's STAN was 4.8million. Close enough, but not the best. Yesterday's STAN was at 7million. Hopefully all will work out regardless. I believe in the law of averages.

Now I'm back to work and exhausted. Lot's of new experiences for me this week...inseminiations, a new grad school program, a knife fight in one of my halls, etc. Next week I have jury duty, so we'll see how that goes....gotta be better than a knife fight, though.

I do admit that even with all of our preparations and research about this process, I do feel a sort of disconnect from the IUI procedure and the fact that we just took the first step towards pregnancy. The procedure itself is a little anticlimactic (excuse the pun).

Now we wait. I think this may be the hardest part of this process. I imagine we will over analyze every possible symptom. Hungry? Must be pregnant! Cramp? Perhaps PMS :( Stomachache? Must be morning sickness. Headache? No baby. Comments on blog? Pregnant! No comments? not pregnant:( Tired? Pregnant! etc. etc. etc.

Keep your fingers crossed.

first IUI was this morning. C and I were so excited! It is crazy that all these months of planning, reading, discussing, doctors appointments, money, etc. have come down to a five minute procedure (well, in our case 2 five minute procedures, since we're doing back-to-back IUIs).

The doctor (one I hadn't met yet, she looked so young that I couldn't believe she is a doctor!) said that STAN looked good; there was a sperm count of 7 million (she said that they usually look for 5 million, so 7 is excellent!) and that the mobility was at 40% -- she said that they usually like to see 50% but 40 is fine. She said that with STAN + my "beautiful follicles" + the trigger shot + clomid, we have a good chance of conceiving!

Tomorrow morning we'll go in again for the second IUI. Then no more doctor visits for 2 weeks! I'll go in then for a blood test to see if I'm pregnant (unless, of course, I get my period by then in which case I'm clearly not pregnant and we'll start a new cycle). We can't do home pregnancy tests because the trigger shot can cause the tests to be inaccurate and show false positives. So we'll have to wait. This is going to be really hard.

I keep reminding myself that this is the very earliest we wanted to get pregnant, so if it doesn't work, it's okay, we can try again.

C keeps asking me if I feel anything or if I feel different or anything. Nope, I feel normal. Except I feel guilty because I called in sick to Starbucks tonight. I just needed an evening to stay home with C and catch up on my teaching stuff and get a good night's sleep before tomorrow's IUI.

C and I are both here being nerds and typing. She just gave me the ovidrel "trigger" shot. Last night, I still had no ovulation hormone surge, so this morning we went to the RE's office and the physician (the same one who had met with us in March but we hadn't seen him since) looked at me and saw 2 dominant follicles, 1 on each side. 1 was at 21 mm and 1 was at 20 mm I think. There was another medium-sized one at 14mm. He recommended we do a trigger shot to stimulate ovulation and to come in tomorrow (Wed.) and Thursday for back-to-back IUIs using STAN (our donor).

I was VERY nervous for C to give me the shot in my thigh. I HATE shots, and I even hated practicing on the pillow during our insemination class. So I covered my eyes while she did it.

She acted brave, but she was very nervous too. Even now, she is giggling nervously.

The embarassing thing is the shot was SO not a big deal. It barely felt like more than a small pinch. So the trigger shot will "trigger" ovulation to occur between 24 hours and 36 hours from now ( I think) and we will be inseminating in the morning (12 hours from now) and Thursday morning (36 hours from now) so hopefully the timing will be just right.

Go STAN swimmers! GO GO GO!!!!!

ahhh, a warm sunny day (finally!). Since this is the first day in a while that both C and I had free plus it's gorgeous outside, we decided to venture out shopping. We even skipped church in favor of a clearance sale at DSW. We went down to Union Square and got C a pair of shoes at DSW (none for me, all the size 10 clearance shoes were ugly ugly ugly. having big feet is frustrating!).

Then we went to Filene's basement and C found a gorgeous jacket for herself and a pair of shorts on clearance for like $5!!! Meanwhile, I found nothing for me and felt a temper tantrum start. I HATE shopping when I feel like nothing fits or looks good or else if I do see something I like, it's too expensive. Then C swept through and instantly found a ton of stuff for me to try on. I don't know how she does it. I got a great green jacket, a pretty blue shirt that was 90% off and a gorgeous marroon top that was also inexpensive and looks good on me. When we got home, I made C look in my closet with me to try and put some outfits together, I don't know, I never know what looks good or what matches. I LOVE the show "What not to wear" but despite watching it all the time, I still don't know "what to wear."

Anyway . . . we also got some baby stuff and a wedding gift for some friends, and then we had lunch at El Cantinero (yum!). Then we walked around this outdoor art festival where artists were selling their paintings. We ended up buying a painting from a woman from New Jersey. I LOVED her stuff, it was a lot of paintings of musicians, and the painting we bought is called "High Heel Harmony" and it is three women, 2 playing violin and 1 playing cello. And it is just very bright and colorful. And since my sisters and I all play an instrument, we thought it was perfect! Since there are 4 of us, it would be even more perfect if there were 4 women in the painting, but that's okay.

We told the artist about how my sisters and I all play the violin or cello and she thought that was very nice so she was willing to take the price down a little (just a little). It is the first "real" piece of art that C and I have bought (a painting that's an original, not just a print). Of course, we have to get it framed too now.

Anyway, it was a very nice day but we spent a lot more money than we had planned. Ah well.

I just did another ovulation predictor. No sign of the hormone (LH?) yet . . .

STAN has arrived. Rebecca's follicles are growing nicely. The eggs are too small to see, so when they do a sonogram we judge the size and development of the follicle, where the egg matures before ovulation. We go in again on Tuesday for further follicle monitering, and from there we will know which days we will have IUIs.

Rebecca had that horrible HSG test on Thursday. I have been having sympathy cramping for her ever since. Weird. I think today the cramps are gone, thank goodness.

I told my boss about our plans. I wasn't planning on it, but after all my lateness (and anticipated lateness next week) for medical appointments, she asked about Rebecca and looked worried about her health. I gave a BS answer "her health is fine but I am a little distracted." When I saw her (my boss's) eyes, I knew she was actually worried for me...so I told her our plans and that those plans entail some tardiness I cannot exactly plan for or anticipate. Biology does not change her plans around my meeting schedule. She was EXTREMELY supportive and helpful. Thank goodness. I explained my concern about telling too many people who will expect reports on our progress...reports that my be painful to make or private information. She was totally on board and promised not to ask questions or expect reports unless I wanted to give them.

This is a new boss, and I am really looking forward to working with her.

long day. and i have to close tonight at sbux.

C and I got up super early to get to the RE's office by 7:30 for monitoring. We met with the same RE I saw last time, who reminds me a little of my grandfather, mostly because he has a little bit of a German accent. And he's very nice. He checked out the ovaries again, my left one was hiding again but he found it eventually. He found two big follicles (one on each side), one was 14 mm and one was 14.5 mm. Two is good, I think. Ideally, they are supposed to be 20 mm when we inseminate. I think. I could be totally wrong. It's a little fuzzy at this point to me what we're looking for and what my body is doing.

So now it's time for the ovulation predictor kit, which we got "Clear Blue Easy" from Duane Reede. It's the most popular brand and it claims to be 99% accurate. Starting tonight, I have to use the kit (kinda like a pregnancy test) to look for a hormone surge. When the surge occurs, we go in to the RE's office the next morning to inseminate, and then also the following day. If a surge hasn't appeared by Monday night, on Tuesday we'll go in for another check up, and then maybe do a "trigger shot" which does what it sounds like -- triggers ovulation. we're excited, but I'm tired today.

I taught at Staten Island and it was fine except it seems so ridiculous to have a good 2 hour commute on a train, ferry, bus, and walk to go teach 4 students for 55 minutes. I wish it was just a twice a week class. But the students are lovely and it'll be fine.

I don't work this weekend (Monday I have a long shift at sbux though, but I think I get time and a half since it's Labor Day, so that's cool) and I am looking forward to sleeping in, shopping, cooking and cleaning and just catching up on stuff . . . bon week-end a tout le monde!