mom2binnyc

stress and anxiety today. it's a short workweek because we're going to st. louis on thursday. I really hope we can count on having good news to tell my in-laws.

went in for the third pregnancy test. when the nurse called, she said my numbers (of the pregnancy hormone) was up around 680 which is good. On thursday, it had only been at 180 which was not a big jump from the initial 113. Apparently, the number is supposed to double every 48 hours or so. So hopefully when I go back on Wednesday for yet another test, the number will be at least a thousand. I might be wrong about the numbers. I think when they reach 2000, you get your first ultrasound done.

I was very anxious while waiting for the nurse to call. I just don't "feel" very pregnant yet. I mean, I feel normal except my boobs are sore. I haven't felt nauseous, haven't thrown up. I am not thinking of myself as pregnant really.

It's not that I want to be running to the bathroom to puke every morning, but it almost would be reassuring. I just am feeling worried today and anxious about stuff in general.

Maybe it's the hormones.

My boobs are sore and heavy. C says they look bigger. I am bloated and have strange cramps. I am very tired too. Yes, I'm pregnant. The second time was the charm!

Reality hasn't really sunk in yet. Yes, the doctor said I'm pregnant. The numbers were high (113 compared to last month's measly 19 which ended in miscarriage), and the follow-up blood test showed the numbers are on the rise, which is good. But we really didn't think this time was going to be it; our timing was a bit of guess work, I really thought I was getting my period, and we didn't do a home pregnancy test, but my period still hasn't started and yes, I'm pregnant.

We've only told a few select friends who knew we were trying . . . we'll tell my in-laws next weekend when we're in St. Louis.

I had really bad cramps on my left side last night. At one point, they were so painful that I started to cry but really more out of fear that it might be indicative of a miscarriage. It's just hard not to be worried about that when the statistics are SO high.

We watched a short documentary last night that showed what happens inside the woman's body during pregnancy. It also showed an actual placenta and vaginal childbirth = gross. But interesting, definitely.

I'll go back to the doctor on Monday to make sure the numbers keep going up. Until then, C and I are tentatively celebrating and looking for funny shirts that say "Bun in the oven" on them.

after a weekend away for my uncle's burial, we're back in new york and it's cold. it was nice to see my parents and 2 of my sisters even though it was under sad circumstances. I am so happy to be home in my warm apartment and not at Sbux. I am throwing away my uniform and even my hat because no more sbux for me!

This week is a week of tests.

C has a midterm on Wednesday. She just started taking classes for a second Master's in Organizational Psychology and so is preparing and studying for a midterm for one of her classes. It is very cute!

And, tomorrow morning we will go to the doctor's to do a blood (pregnancy) test since it has been 2 weeks since our IUIs. I am not too optimistic, mostly because I have had cramps that feel like menstrual cramps for a week. We didn't do a home pregnancy test this month, because last time that proved misleading.

So I'll know tomorrow afternoon whether I'm pregnant, not pregnant or if I am "sort of a little" pregnant like last month.

C just found a website that lists all of these women's early pregnancy symptoms as cramping, PMS-y feelings, sensitive ovaries, etc. all of which I've been experiencing. So that makes me a little more optimistic. But we're really trying not to get our hopes up. We will start a new, 3rd cycle if necessary.

Of course, C is going to st. louis for a conference in 2 weeks, and I will hopefully go too, for a couple of days. We would LOVE to be able to announce to my in-laws that they are going to be grandparents (and to C's brother and sister that they are going to be an uncle and aunt!). So maybe that will happen. We'll know tomorrow. Unless, again, I have another chemical pregnancy.

quick post before I run to staten island (well, not run, I'll take the train, then the ferry, then a bus, then a quick walk . . . sigh) to teach my afternoon class. Today is cheesy French music day. Edith Piaf this morning, then a song from a French-Canadian musical based on a novel by Victor Hugo this afternoon. Which reminds me, I want to make my sister a CD of French songs since she is studying the language.

I feel better today, although I'm very tired. Got home late from sbux then stayed up to work on a lesson plan. I just have been so busy that I haven't had time to relax, get enough sleep, eat, e-mail my professors back, hang out with C . . . I feel better about quitting sbux since i just got a 100% raise at Queens. I guess all the adjuncts have gotten huge pay raises, but I am out of the loop and didn't hear about it until I got an enormous check this month which included retroactive pay. Anyway, the raise is equal to about what I'd make working at Starbucks (many hours a week) so it all evens out . . .

Have vague cramps and very vague nauseous feeling. Pregnancy? Or hunger cuz I haven't eaten? Or pre-period feelings?

up down up down up down the two week roller coaster . . . we'll know for sure by a week from today . . . just gotta get through this week and the weekend . . .

I left a note giving my 2 weeks notice to the manager last night at sbux. I just can't do it any more. I'm exhausted and the extra money has been nice but it is not worth it to me.

I feel very PMSy. Last night at sbux I felt like crying the entire time I was there for no reason really. And I have cramps. And my face is broken out like it is before I get my period. A small part of me is still hopeful, but I really feel like my period is going to start. So we're going to have to figure out what to do (take a break? start a 3rd cycle?).

It's only been 1 week since we did the IUIs so it really is way early for my period to start. So maybe these are actually signs of pregnancy?!?!

But my cycle this month was abnormal becuase of the chemical pregnancy and drugs, so maybe I'll get my period today.

I got home at 1:00 last night from sbux, C was waiting up for me, and I just started crying. it's all hormones and being tired i think. I just wish i knew if the hormones were from period or pregnancy.

This is the emotional roller coaster ride everyone talks about. It sucks. we just have to wait and see what is going on inside me.

I hate this.

my Michigan pals just left. It was great having them here, they are lovely and I miss them. It was also nice because they totally distracted us from thinking about whether or not I might be pregnant! I have barely thought about it at all. We had fun -- saw a taping of the Daily Show, saw Avenue Q (got CHEAP tickets cuz we sat in the mezzanine and they were 50% off) and even though C and I had seen it many times before, we still enjoyed it, even without my uncle in it any more. Ate at Junior's and the Chat n' Chew and they rode the staten island ferry with me on my way to work. It really was a nice visit.

Am I pregnant? It's SO early it hasn't even been a week since our IUIs. But I feel completely normal, no "symptoms" yet. So we'll see.

I have to work the late shift at sbux tonight (9:15 to close) so I'm going to be a lazy girl and lay on the sofa watching movies until then. ahhhhhhh.

Quick update: spent a marvelous weekend in Massachusetts. I was doing the ovulation predictor kits every time I peed because I was nervous that I'd ovulate and we'd miss our chance OR have to drive frantically back to New York. But that didn't happen and we got to spend a couple of really nice days driving around, picking apples, shopping . . . We stayed at our usual B&B owned by a lovely woman and her two huge, barking dogs. We attended our friends' wedding which was simple but really lovely. It was cool to go to a lesbian wedding in Massachusetts where it's legal. We braved a trip to the Yankee Candle flagship store with hundreds of tourists and "leafies." Then, on the night of our return, the ovulation predictor kit showed a potential hormone surge -- the one I did yesterday (Monday) morning confirmed it.

So we have now completed our two back-to-back IUIs. STAN was doing especially well this morning, there was a count of 8.2 million (5 million is good so 8.2 is awesome) so we just have to hope we got the timing right. We got the trigger shot but didn't use it since I seemed to have a natural hormone surge. It's really all about timing.

Our friends from Mich, otherwise known as the few people who actually read our blog, are coming tonight for a visit and I'm so excited! C and I are trying to clean, cook and put together some new IKEA furniture we bought yesterday. Oh, I better go help her.

ooooooh, 4 days off! No work, no starbucks, no teaching! I'm EXHAUSTED. I have opened or closed at Starbucks for the past 6 days plus my regular work schedule, haven't slept enough, and I'm so tired. C has had headaches for the past couple of days and she never gets headaches. We are so ready to get out of town, even if it's just for a couple of days.

To celebrate a weekend off (and to get my feet sandal-ready for my wedding outfit), I treated myself to a pedicure after teaching in Queens today. I went to a new place I hadn't been to before and it was fabulous. The pedicurist did a fantastic job and my feet look and feel great plus they had those vibrating chairs so I felt really relaxed. She also gave me a 10-minute foot and leg massage and finished it with a hot-stone massasge on my legs. Then when I was sitting at the foot dryer, she snuck up behind me and massaged my back and shoulders for a few minutes . . . . ahhhhh, it was awesome. I gave her a huge tip.

Now we're trying to clean and do laundrey before our trip. I did the first ovulation test for this cycle tonight. No hormone surge, not even a pale line yet, so I think we will be able to stay in Mass a couple of days. The IUIs probably won't be before Monday, so that's nice. I'll keep checking though, just to make sure. STAN is delivered and at the RE's office and is ready for use.

I got some sad news a couple of nights ago; my uncle passed away. He had a hard life, but he always sent me a birthday card every year. We'll go to the burial in a couple of weekends in upstate New York. My parents, twin sister, youngest sister, and my other uncle, his wife and their daughter will come as well.

back to the RE's office this morning for monitoring. On this day during our 1st cycle, I had 2 big follicles already, but today, there was only one tiny one. The doctor said no big deal, every cycle is different, the follicles are just growing more slowly this time and C reminded me that after a chemical pregnancy and all these medications, my body is probably saying "Everybody calm down!" and is taking its time to ovulate this month.

The good news is, we probably won't be doing the IUIs before next Sunday. Which means we'll be able to at least spend Friday and Saturday in Massachusetts. So we're very pleased about that. I was very taken aback by the slow progress of my follicles which makes me wonder if the Clomid worked. I guess it doesn't matter as long as the timing is right.

I'm gonna call the sperm bank to get two more vials of STAN shipped at the end of this week so it'll be at the RE's office once we need it. Then I'm gonna call the B&B we like in Northampton to see if we can get a room for Friday and Saturday nights.

I don't have to go teach in Queens today (yesterday was Yom Kippur so no school there, but today follow's Monday's schedule). Anyway, it's so nice not to have to spend the afternoon there, even though I have to work again at Sbux tonight, I have the afternoon free! It's overwhelming because there are so many things I want and need to try and get done before going to my shift at Sbux. Better go do some of them!

I'm listening to Heart. We almost went to see them perform in Atlantic City last spring. I love Heart. I heart Heart.

I'm trying Dr. Brown's diet cream soda. Not as great as the black cherry version, but still pretty darn good after an 8 hour shift at Sbux. I also have a new drink I like there: the iced passion tea sweetened with raspberry syrup instead of the classic (unflavored) syrup.

I opened at sbux both friday and saturday which meant I had to be there both mornings at 5:15 which meant that I had to wake up by around 4:40. On Saturday, I had a dream that I was floating near the ocean shore. My body was completely limp and the waves were gently nudging me toward the warm sand. I could feel the sun on my face and the soft caressing waves.

Then the alarm on my cell phone blasted its "Hit me with your best shot" ringtone which was a horribly rude awakening at 4:40. But the dream I had has stayed with me very vividly all weekend. I think I'm going to use this image as an aid for relaxation or meditation. Like in church this morning when we did a silent meditation to "bring ourselves back to ourselves," that's what I tried to think about, to bring back that feeling of effortlessness.

Maybe this will also help in our next IUIs or keep me from feeling too stressed out (everyone says stress is the biggest factor that can keep you from getting pregnant).

Target is wonderful. And there's a new store C just learned about here that we went to today after church -- "Bolton's" which has super, super cheap women's clothing. Only their stuff is very nice, professional type clothing but at Old Navy prices. It's fantastic.

gotta make a test for my students at Staten Island tomorrow then go to bed!!!!

When I got home from work, C had just gone to bed a few minutes earlier and so Ruby ran out barking as soon as I put the keys in the door -- she is VERY protective of either of us when we're sleeping, and it's funny when it's only one of us sleeping and Ruby gets into "attack dog" mode (which is a joke since she couldn't and wouldn't hurt a fly) but then as soon as she saw it was me, she acted sort of embarassed, like "oh yeah, it's just you. You live here, I guess it's okay you came in whilel C was sleeping." She's so cute.

Rebecca is off to Sbux for yet another shift. She is working a lot, and between all four of her jobs and my job/jury duty/classes we are more than a little overextended. We've been juggling it all with good humor until now, but it is time for something to give. First it will be jury duty which THANKFULLY ends on Friday and then we will see how that change in schedule helps.

We had a lovely weekend, even through all the hours at Sbux. We went to Target yesterday, a huge treat for us now that we are unrbanites without easy access! We spent a lot of money but (hopefully) saved a lot of money in the long run. We were both at the end of our rope by the time we left the store...Target is more of a contact sport than a leisure activity in NYC.

We go to the RE again on Tuesday and will get a better sense of when the next IUIs will be. We've got a wedding to go to in Massachusets on Saturday, so our travel may be a little creative if the IUI is that day, but I am looking forward to it.