mom2binnyc

awwww, I LOVE that C posted on here!!!! She's so nice, even if a little bossy at times. :)

The whole non-bio mom thing is a big issue we both worry about. We both know that she and I are both the "real mom," but not everyone in the world will necessarily understand that, right away anyway.

BTW, I still haven't gotten season 8 of the simpsons yet . . .

Last night I closed at Sbux, and it was actually a really fun shift (I worked with cool people) but I got home late and couldn't fall asleep for a while since I was wired from work. Then we had to get up early to get to my HSG appointment which SUCKED. The appointment was at 9 and they called me in right away. I had C wait in the waiting room because I knew it was a 10-minute procedure and I thought I'd be in and out right away. Right? WRONG!!!! I didn't actually get in the procedure room until 10:30 and I was having an almost-panic attack because it was taking so long and no one was telling me how long it was going to be and I was worried about C waiting for me wondering what the hell was taking so long . . .

Then, the procedure itself hurt SO BAD. Way worse than I expected. It really was only a few minutes, but it was TERRIBLE, I started shaking and crying. I couldn't breathe. And since I was all panicked about having waited so long, that made it even worse.

Warning if you're squeamish, don't read!!!! The doctor used a speculum then inserted dye into my uterus to make sure all the fallopian tubes were open and not blocked. He didn't tell me what he was doing exactly, which I hate, and it was just horribly painful. I know it's a good test because if something WAS blocked, I wouldn't be able to get pregnant without it being taken care of. It was terrible, terrible, terrible, a horrible thing to do first thing in the morning.

But anyway, I'm fine now, and I made C take me out for a nice breakfast afterward. Then I went to Queens College to teach my first day of French Lit, which was fine.

I'm really glad I don't have to work tonight at sbux, I'd have to call in. I really need to take it easy tonight, go to bed early. Especially since tomorrow morning C and I are going to get to the RE's office by 7:30 so we can start figuring out what the best days for insemination are.

HSG = horrible sucky gross

Now that I have been able to break into Rebecca's Blogger account (with permission, of course) and set myself up as a "team member", I too can blog about the things going on with this process.

As I checked my e-mail yesterday I saw a fed-ex tracking message. At first I thought Rebecca had bought something (I suspected it was the Simpsons Season 8) from Amazon and was so anxious about having it arrive in time for a Saturday "Rebecca Day" while I'm at work that she had it Fed-Exed. So I kind of laughed about it.

Then I tracked it, and I now know that it is actually the tracking for STAN. I was struck by this. I always like to obsessivley track packages...I always try to guess when it will arrive and where the package will stop along the way. I mean, I admit, it is usually pretty losery of me to be so excited about the shipping journey of my newly purchased underwear, but in this case, with STAN, I was REALLY interested. I cannot believe that we are here, at this time, with our first try. And that this particular shipment might bring us a baby!

It is a little weird to be in this other-mother role. I will experience this conception and pregnancy and parenthood thing in a different role than I anticipated. I am excited about that, but also reflective about what that will mean for our family.

I cannot wait to read to a baby in her belly. I cannot wait to dote on Rebecca and our child. I also know that I am pretty bossy. OK. REALLY BOSSY sometimes, and I am nervous about how bossy I can be with a pregnant wife or a newborn baby. I guess the trick is that I am aware of it and can make fun of myself and hope that the bossiness is more charming than annoying.

I also know that I am fiercely protective. Last spring Rebecca and I and our friend Jean went to see "Walk the Line". In that movie there is a scene when June Carter and her mother, Momma Maybelle, chase a drug dealer away from Johnny's house. They are both carrying shotguns and yell "Get outta here, and take yer poison with ya!" Jean told me later that she thinks I'm like Mama Maybelle in that scene. Let people mind their business...but mess with my people and the gun-toting momma comes out.

I'm pretty anti-gun, but I kind of like that image of myself.

yay, I had my fourth (and final!) comprehensive literature exam today for my French phd program. I had prepared "Francophone" (French lit. outside of France) and mostly concentrated on Quebecois literature. I was so happy when I saw the question and saw that it was on MICHEL TREMBLAY! dude, I wrote a paper on him for a linguistics class last spring! I even kept the same title I used for that paper on my exam: "'Vive le joual libre!': Michel Tremblay et l'identite quebecoise." Well, that "vive le joual libre!" is extremely clever and I'm proud of that title. I'm pretty sure I passed, it's a good feeling.

As I walked to school to take the exam, I passed by Macy's. I LOVE looking at the Project Runway window to see all the winning clothes. That's the best show ever. Besides The Simpsons, duh. I think I even like it better than America's Next Top Model (I think). I'm rooting for Michael, Kayne, Uli and Laura. I can't stand Jeffrey, esp. after he made Angela's mom cry, boo hiss!

What else . . . I went to Queens to fill out paperwork for my new teaching job at St. John's that starts tomorrow on Staten Island and it was a very catholic campus, i mean there were religious statues all over the place. And on the employment forms, I had to (well, I probably didn't HAVE to) check which religion I am, so I wrote in "Unitarian." Surprise, surprise, that wasn't already an option. And for my emergency contact, I put C, of course, and then circled that she was my "wife" and then wrote in (domestic partner) and then imagined that they would behave as the catholic girls high school that didn't hire me this summer after they found out I'm gay (the interview went from "Oh Rebecca! You are so overqualified and experienced and charming!" to "Oh, a domestic partner . . . well, we'll let you know" (and I got a form 2 days later in the mail saying I was not "suited" for that particular job. I hope they found a French teacher who is unqualified and awful). I don't think this will happen with St. John's, after all it's a college not a high school and it's in NYC plus who else besides me could they find to trek out to staten island to teach 5 students French 3 times a week?!?!

. . ooh, yesterday I called and ordered 2 vials of STAN to be delivered on Thursday morning ($185 for shipping, yikes!). I take my last Clomid tonight. It's very exciting . . .

...stick to the status quo!"

Guilty pleasure: High School Musical!!! At our church's retreat in May, ALL of the kids of all ages, boys and girls, were all singing the songs from this Disney movie. For the talent show, they each sang and/or danced to the musical numbers. They all LOVED it!!! So I thought it must be pretty good, and recently got it from netflix.

Okay, the thing is, it actually is really entertaining. It is cheesy and SO disney, but there were some good songs and a moment or two where I cried. Boy meets girl and they have a magic moment where they sing together. But she is a math genious and he is a basketball star. Therefore, they can't possibly audition for their high school's musical. But they end up auditioning, much to the horror of the bitchy girl and her gay brother who have ALWAYS starred in the school plays. The message of the film is "don't hide your interests and/or talents" which is exemplified in the song "Stick to the Status Quo" which is amazingly catchy. I watched that part of the movie about 4 times, and made C watch it with me.

In that song, some of the kids in school are inspired by the basketball player's "coming out" as a singer/actor to reveal their own talents and interests. Like, another basketball player admits he loves baking, a studious girl says she loves hip hop music and dancing, a skater boy says he plays the cello. Everyone is anxious to hear these secrets, but the student body at large cannot handle these multiple identities (a boy can't play basketball AND bake!) so the chorus is "no no no! Stick to the stuff you know! If you wanna be cool, follow one simple rule, don't mess with the flow no no, just stick to the status quo!"

So anyway, I downloaded that song off of iTunes and have been listening to it all day and and singing it and totally driving C crazy. Especially since she didn't watch the movie and thinks that the message of the song is "stick to the status quo" but the message of the film is really to do what makes you happy!

Anyway, it's totally geared towards 8-10 year olds, but I liked it A LOT and I recommend the movie and especially this song -- they all sing and dance around the cafeteria like in "Fame" -- it's so good!

omg, I'm so excited! busybusybusy! I couldn't sleep last night because I was so excited to start our first cycle!

I got to the RE's office at 7:30 this morning to do my day 2 blood work for my first IUI cycle. Got blood drawn, a very nice RE that I hadn't met yet checked out my uterus and ovaries. My left ovary was apparently hiding a little bit, but he said that probably doesn't mean anything. He was totally cool about giving me a prescription for Clomid, which I take for five days starting today. He also said that the HSG during the same cycle is totally fine.

He recommended we get 2 vials of STAN delivered next week (that would be our donor, Super Tall And Nice (he is 6'5") or Smart, Tall And Nice). I do the HSG next Thursday and next Friday, a week from today, I'll go in so they can start figuring out what the best days of insemination are.

He also said since our donor isn't Jewish, we shouldn't worry about the Bloom's thing, of course, as with any pregnancy, there is a 3-4% chance of birth defects.

He was sooooo nice and C and I are super excited! We KNOW that the first cycle probably won't work, simply because it takes most women more tries. But it would be so so great if it worked the first or second time. And I feel really good about the whole Clomid thing, it's available to increase our chances of conceiving, so hey, sounds good to me!

Also, I got a new teaching job on staten island. I'm gonna do it and just try and cut back the sbux hours. it's just French 101 and there are only 5 students in the class which is CRAZY but it should be easy. Long commute though, although I love the idea of taking the ferry to and from work. The novelty will probably wear off soon though.

NOW I have to go to a 5 hour class at the Sbux headquarters to learn about coffee and stuff. Should be fun. It has been a crazy busy week for both C and I (esp. for her) and I just can't wait to get home tonight and relax and talk with her about everything!!! . . .

I had to work one morning shift at Sbux so it was today starting at 5:15!!! It was totally fine, whatever. I told the manager that "for medical reasons" I would be unable to work a lot of mornings for the next few weeks (as we start our first cycle) so I got to do the morning shift today. I have to say, it is nice that it is like 11:30 and I still have the whole day in front of me :)

I start teaching a week from tomorrow at QC and then after Labor day at MSM. I haven't started preparing my syllabi yet; I really don't know if working three jobs will be too much but I think probably I'll have to limit my sbux hours.

We recently got a great book called "C0nfessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological lesbian moms tell all!" and it has been great to read. It's full of essays written by (duh) the non-bio mom. It seems like a lot of the other books we have read don't recognize the role and the importance of the "other" mother, I guess much like books geared towards heterosexual parents maybe dismiss or reduce the role of the father. So this was great to read. Some essays are better than others, but it is an important topic, I think.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0807079634/sr=1-3/qid=1156348449/ref=sr_1_3/002-6853429-8288829?ie=UTF8&s=books

"The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians" by Rachel Pepper is okay, but she definitely has her own point of view. She must have not had a supportive partner because most of her examples seem to be geared towards single lesbians or women whose partners might not be supportive of them having a baby (!) and she is against a lot of western medicine. This book actually contains the sentence: "If you do have an epidural, please know that you will no longer be an active participant in your child's birth" (!?!?!?!?!?!) this made C so mad she threw the book at the wall. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157344216X/sr=1-1/qid=1156348769/ref=sr_1_1/002-6853429-8288829?ie=UTF8&s=books

"Taking Charge of your Fertility" is geared towards straight women but is extremely helpful. I learned so much about how my own body works and what "signs" show you how to know when you ovulate. And there are great charts to keep track of your own cycle. Very informative.http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060937645/sr=8-1/qid=1156348684/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-6853429-8288829?ie=UTF8

I started my first day as a Starbucks employee. I haven't had a part time JOB like this in years, not since I worked at a department store or even back when I worked at Wendy's for several years. But a teaching job I was supposed to start this Fall fell through, so I have been looking for extra opportunities to supplement our income, since I only am teaching 2 classes this Fall and it's not enough money. Plus, we're trying to be really good about saving since our family is hopefully going to get bigger soon!

It wasn't a terribly difficult afternoon; I filled out forms for payroll (pay day is every week, woohoo!) and learned how to do things like clean the bathroom and make frappucinos. I made 2 frappucinos all by myself :)

I am TOTALLY the oldest person there, even older than the manager.

I don't know how long I'll be working there, esp. if I get pregnant and it's too hard or like the smell of coffee makes me nauseous or something.

Right before I got to work, a woman called from our RE's office to talk to me about my last blood work results; I did the Jewish panel "just in case" and apparently, I am a positive carrier for Bloom's syndrome. The nurse assured me that this would only affect our child if the donor was also a carrier, but our donor isn't Jewish, so it should be okay. I don't know what Bloom's syndrome is so I need to do a little research. I am really surprised though; I didn't even know if I was at all ethnically Jewish. I'd kind of like to tell my parents since I think they'd be interested, but I think I better wait until I can talk to them about the whole baby thing!

Gotta go!

C and I met in grad school at Michigan State University; she was working towards a Master’s degree in Student Affairs Administration, and I was earning a Master’s in French. We met through a mutual friend and began dating right away. Our relationship got serious quickly. Unfortunately, the joy we felt with having fallen in love was tainted when we registered officially as domestic partners after a year of being together. C’s job as a hall director was threatened when we formalized our union; although there were no official rules about who could or could not live with hall directors, she was told that unless I moved out, her position would be terminated. We were graduate students dependent on our measly stipends, and although we took all the legal measures available to us, C eventually decided to quit her job, three months before we were scheduled to graduate. On the day we moved out of our apartment, over 50 students and friends arrived dressed in black to assist our move in a form of protest against the administration’s homophobia. We moved in with one of C’s professors, a wonderful woman who has continued to inspire C as a mentor, and made plans to get out of Michigan as soon as we graduated.
That summer, C came to New York City to work at Barnard College where she had also worked the previous year. I accompanied a group of undergraduate students to France where they were doing a study abroad program. In France, I did not do much work or supervision of the students; I drank a lot of wine and e-mailed and phoned C constantly, trying to figure out what we were going to do when I returned. Although I had lived for France in a year as an undergraduate student, living in New York seemed intimidating and I had my doubts about being able to make it there. Money was very tight for both of us; C of course, hadn’t worked for a couple of months since she quit her job, and I was only getting room and board for my summer in France. We were resolutely independent and determined that we would make it somehow. I had been accepted to a PhD program in New York, where C had applied for several full-time positions. A week before my return to the States, she called me to let me know that a conservatory had all but promised her a position; she was supposed to hear from them by the following Thursday – the day my plane landed in Detroit. I was relieved; after all the worrying and stress about money and jobs, our luck seemed to be changing. I anticipated my return to Michigan; C was driving up to Detroit from New York to pick me up at the airport. I imagined walking off the plane, reuniting with C and she would cry out joyfully "I got the job!" and we’d celebrate, knowing that everything would be okay.
Unfortunately, when I returned, C had not yet heard from the conservatory. We spent a few days in Michigan, seeing friends and packing our belongings in the rented SUV. Despite having virtually no money and no jobs lined up for certain, we threw a barbecue for ourselves, a sort of farewell party with some friends. We picked up some food at the local grocery store, and as we drove towards C’s professor’s house to stop by and say hi, her cell phone rang. It was the conservatory. They offered her the position. I jumped out of the car, knowing that I would not be able to keep myself from screaming, and ran down the street towards the house of the professor we had been living with. She and her partner were home, repainting their basement; I told them the news, or rather, I screamed it at them, and they were genuinely happy for us. We finally had a reason to celebrate.
We settled in New York, got a dog, a little terrier-mix named Ruby, and C began her job at the conservatory. I began my PhD program and was given a teaching assistantship. Later, when the French instructor at the conservatory resigned, I began teaching there as well. We were paying off debts and enjoying New York. The conservatory did not offer domestic partner benefits when C began working there, so I did not have any health insurance. This did not concern me too much, as I have always been a healthy person and my school had a student health center. We were pleasantly surprised when soon after a meeting C had with Human Resources, the conservatory changed its policy to extend benefits to domestic partners. Unfortunately, the plan was too expensive for us to afford. We had registered as domestic partners as soon as we moved to New York, and when the mayor Jason West began to permit same-sex marriages in New Paltz, we signed up on the list right away. We got married the following summer, on July 10, 2004. We got the phone call inviting us to get married only a couple of weeks before the ceremony, and on such short notice the only people who came were my twin sister C’s mom and younger sister. Although I have sometimes regretted not having had a bigger ceremony with more friends and family present, it was the right thing for us to do at the time, and it was a memorable day. Twenty couples were getting married that day, and each couple took turns exchanging vows and rings; even though we only had three family members present, all of the other couples and their guests cheered us on and it felt as real as any wedding I have attended.
After two years at the conservatory, C got offered a position at a prestigious university. We moved to a very nice apartment on the upper west side, and for the first time since we’d been together, it felt like a permanent home to us. Her job includes domestic partner benefits, so I finally enjoy health insurance. It was wonderful being able to go to the dentist for the first time in years to get my teeth cleaned! We also joined a Unitarian church which has been a wonderful way for us to be part of a community here, and we have become full-on "church ladies," which makes me laugh as I never thought I’d describe myself that way. Although we had casually talked about having children "someday," we began talking about it more seriously. I wanted to be selfish and take a big vacation before having kids (we really had never been on a big vacation just the two of us where we weren’t visiting friends or family) so we went to Scotland in July and had an amazing time. That brings us to where we are today :)

So I keep seeing twins everywhere! Today just walking the dog around our neighborhood, I saw two sets of twins, both wearing matching outfits. There was some discussion in our baby group about the pros and cons of Clomid (one pro/con being a 5% added chance of conceiving twins). When we first met with our doctor, he said that because I'm young and probably (hopefully!) won't have trouble getting pregnant, he said we should try three cycles unmedicated before resorting to Clomid. But everyone we know and everything we read say that without Clomid, it's really a shot in the dark and you might as well just throw $1000 out the window because it won't work. So when we talked to a nurse recently, she said we should totally do Clomid our first try if we want. Part of me wants to try one time "naturally" (without meds) just in case the fact that I'm a twin and the fact that our donor comes from a family full of twins + Clomid = too many babies. I KNOW that that isn't likely and that Clomid is not one of those drugs that causes those families with 7 or 8 multiples. But I'm still hesitating. So C and I will have to talk more with a doctor before we start our first cycle (which will be soon . . .)

C really has a thing about twins being good luck (like when she met me and I told her I was a twin she was like "oh, of course you are. then it's meant to be!" and every time she has gone on a far away vacation or gotten a new job, she sees twins beforehand. It'd odd). And she would love to have twins, if that's what happens. I would like twins too, but I'm just debating this Clomid thing around in my head. I think we'll probably end up using it, but maybe I'll wait it out until our second cycle (presuming the first cycle doesn't work). It's kind of a hard decision.

Our dog. Seriously, every day someone stops us to say something like "OMG!!!! Your dog is so adorable!!!! Look at him!!!!! What kind of dog is it?!?!?!" "oh, she's just a mutt from the pound."
"Look at him!!!! SO cute!!!!" "Thanks" (as if we have anything to do with what she looks like).

"King of Queens." This show has been on for years but we just started watching it a couple of weeks ago. It's really funny!!! And the couple on the show, Doug and Carrie, are TOTALLY like C and me. So now we're watching from season 1 to get caught up. It really makes us want to go buy a house in queens.

"Netflix." Without which, we wouldn't be able to watch "King of Queens" from the first season.

"Fat Witch." The other day, C took a Thursday off so that we could take the required "Insemination Class" at our RE's office. We learned all about IUI and IVF and even practiced doing injections in case we end up needing those medications (God, I hope not, I HATE shots and just practicing the shots on a rubber pillow made me queasy, plus I poked my finger with a needle and it hurt). Afterwards, we took a long walk downtown and ended up at Chelsea Market, where I've only been once before since we are not down there so often. Chelsea Market is full of mostly gourmet food shops, including FAT WITCH (www.fatwitch.com). They have amazing brownies and these great drinks called Witchinos. One time, when I was in the worst mood ever, C bought me one and it made me REALLY happy. I think I called it an amazing orgasmic drink, which is a bit of an exaggeration, but mmmm, it's really good.

Jeez, I feel like I could keep writing about random stuff all afternoon. Instead of, say, the things I'm supposed to be doing (laundry, cleaning our bedroom which is a mess right now, finishing "L'Avalee des avales" which is excellent but kind of long).

Something else that comes up a lot related to making a baby (but people don't like to talk about it) is the truth of the cost involved. I got our invoice from the sperm bank yesterday . . . so far, we have spent almost $200 buying information from the bank on the different donors, over $2000 for the six vials of sperm and another couple hundred for storing it all for a year. Then every time we get it shipped, it's another couple hundred dollars. Then, once the baby is actually born, we have to do the second parent adoption so C can be the legal second parent. This is VERY important and only a few states (like New York) have this. But it will cost over $3000. AND there is a small risk of your health insurance not covering the fertility treatments if they find out that you are gay. C and I have definitely been nervous about this, but it seems like pretty much everybody is able to have it all be covered. We have great insurance with great infertility benefits, and I am pretty sure that we will have all the costs be covered (at least for a few cycles should it take that long), but there is a risk, I guess . . .

C and I went to see "Little Miss Sunshine" last week -- it was SO good and I am dying to see it again. I love all the actors (especially Toni Collette) and the little girl is great! We were laughing so hard our stomachs hurt. I recommend it highly!

http://www2.foxsearchlight.com/littlemisssunshine/

A lot of people are interested in the whole donor thing - do you go with anonymous? willing to be known? known? how do you choose? People have very strong opinions about this. We personally went with an anonymous donor. And let me tell you, he's a dreamboat. We found a few we REALLY liked from their short (free) profiles, and we narrowed it down to five. Since I'm the biological mom, we wanted to find the perfect male version of C. Our first choice is perfect -- his personality profile matches C's exactly, blue eyes, brown hair, very smart, an electrician (C's dad is an electrician), and when we heard his audio interview -- swoon! -- a great voice (C has an amazing speakinig voice) and very intelligent answers to all of the questions. Also, we kind of maybe would really like to have twins (C has a thing about twins being good luck for her, and I'm a twin myself) and our donor has tons of twins in his family.

The only problem was that there was no baby picture to buy!!! So we were concerned he might have three eyeballs or horns or something. You never know. And our number 2 choice was described by the staff as "very good looking," so we had to be shallow and debate over whether or not looks mattered more than personality. C called the sperm bank and explained our dilemna. She was reassured that our donor was "very good looking with a great smile." A group of women rated him a 7/8.5 in terms of appearance. Our second choice donor was also a 7/8.5 so that made us feel pretty good about our choice.

We bought all the information about our donor that was available. We're going to keep it all for our child (maybe make a scrapbook thing explaining it all and we put the audio interview on a CD for him/her) and just be very open about the whole donor thing. This is also a very touchy subject for a lot of people, like is it selfish to have a child without knowing who the "dad" is?

We have a friend whose mom used a sperm donor, and she is our age and has reassured us that she really never cared about "the dad" because her mom was a great parent and told her openly that she used a donor. I think (hope!) that if we are open, it won't matter so much not knowing the donor's exact identity.

I am new to blogging, but as my partner and I are starting this whole baby-making thing, I find myself reading more and more blogs of women who have been going through the same thing, and I thought it would be a good way to share my own experiences with others as well as to find a way to express myself. So probably most of my posts will be about trying to have a baby, but I'm sure I'll have other things to write about as well.

My partner "C" and I have been together almost 5 years. We are both 27. We live in Manhattan (UWS). C is an administrator at a university here. I am a grad student with a few part time jobs: I teach at a conservatory, a college, and I will be starting a prestigious position as a barista at Starbucks next week. We started seriously discussing starting a family this year and in January, we started going to meetings at the Gay and Lesbian Center downtown for women wanting to have children biologically. This has been immensely helpful, as we've learned the complexities of couples who want to have a child "hatched by two chicks" (as I saw on a cute bib). Since then, we have been going to the meetings, reading everything we can, and we've gotten an RE (Reproductive Endricronologist). I am going to be the biological mom (C might take a turn later on when we want a sibling). I have had blood tests and everything appears normal, that is, I seem to be fertile.

I still have one more test, the "HSG" test which makes sure one's fallopian tubes are open. A nurse assured as that we should be able to do the test (done on day five of your cycle) and still be able to try insemination that same cycle, as we wanted. Ideally, we'd love to have our child be born next summer, so I can keep teaching and working throughout the Spring semester but then have the summer off. We both know that we probably won't be able to time it as we'd like to but we're hopeful (we do know a couple who got pregnant their first time inseminating -- most couples, however, take a few more cycles for it to work).